This blog has been weighing on my heart for the last week. More so in the last few days, and at the same time, its so hard to actually put it out there. But in doing this, I really wanted to execute the truth, about what I really feel, how I really felt, and how things truly happened.
This blog is not about any of our sponsors, anything to do with the how the 'event' of our wedding ran. If you are reading this, please know that this is coming from my heart.
Kyle and I were married just over a month ago. July 12th 2010. The day was beautifully perfect. I honestly had such a good time, soaked up every moment that I could and enjoyed it to the fullest. Now, however, there has been time that has passed, and things are coming into the light.
Let me explain.
August 18th was my birthday. Birthdays are always suppose to be fun. Love is expressed, gifts are received, and a little pampering is had by the birthday girl... and Kyle did pamper me, he teaches at an esthetics college, so pampering is what I received!! he he.
But something was missing. As the day went on, I didn't hear from some people who are important to me. I didn't think too much of it though, after all, time differences make a difference... Evening came and went, and as Kyle and I were driving home I began to get upset.
Without relaying the entire evening moment by moment, I can sum up the rest of the evening by saying this. It hit me that something was wrong. I must have done something wrong.
I did and Kyle brought to light some things I didn't realize.
The week before our wedding is a bit of a blur. I cannot say that I have ever experienced, or ever wish to experience the level of stress that I was under that week. I vaguely remember conversations, events, moments of preparation; all meant to catapult myself and Kyle into wedded bliss. This is the time when you are to enjoy company, get last minute details ironed out and then relax. Family and friends flew in from all over the world. People important to us, ones there to support us in our new stage of life; to celebrate the union of two souls as one. Marriage is sacred, and beautiful.
In saying that it was a blur, or that I only remember vaguely the days and events is all to say this...
My confession.
The term 'bridezilla' comes to mind. I swore I would never be like that. I swore that I would never treat anyone wrong; bark up anyones tree; disrespect anyone for anything... thus making me not a 'bridezilla'... I wouldn't, couldn't and swore that term didn't describe me.
I was wrong.
On the car ride home from a beautiful birthday dinner in the city, Kyle explained to me, about what it was like to be around me the week prior to the wedding; conversations, attitudes, arguments, events, problems, disrespecting moments, disrespecting people... (I am embarrassed)
A haze clouds you from seeing clearly... It is hard to own up to things that you don't know you did. I believe I know what a person feels like after having been drunk the night before; apologizing to everyone that they hurt or abused, or were mean to. It's their fault they drank too much and can't remember anything that they did. I have never been drunk, but this, to me, seems like the closest thing to the 'blanking out' that I have ever come. Stress, on a clinical note, affects people differently.
I may not remember all things, but I do remember hurting a few people, getting angry, and feeling like I was going to explode from stress. I do remember disrespecting someone very close to me; I have asked for forgiveness to my behavior, and again, I apologize to you... I hope you can forgive me, and remember my words no more.
I also believe, that I have hurt and disrespected a number of other people whom I love with all my heart. It was hard for me to realize that I had done something to hurt you, when all you wanted to do was to celebrate with me, to do something special for me. I didn't hear from you on my birthday, and now I understand why. I am so sorry that I hurt you, disrespected you and embarrassed you; I never meant to do that. I hope that you will accept my apology, and extend grace to me. I know it will take time; I will wait to hear from you. I love you dearly.
I learned, on my 29th birthday, why people hire 'wedding planners' or an 'event co-ordinator' for the last few weeks leading up to their wedding day. It's so that they can enjoy it, remain calm in it, and celebrate with all of their family and friends. It's like that with any event really. I have helped to co-ordinate many events, and it never really donned on me why the creator of the events wasn't more involved. I understand now.
At the expense of others, our wedding was beautiful.
A confession. To all you 'brides-to-be'... let this be a guide to you. Watch what you say, how you act, what you do, and speak with love. It is your day, but it is not worth the apologies afterward. You will remember this day forever. It is better to remember it for the good, than for the pain you caused others to get you there.
That is my heart, my tears, my confession.
